Family

Eh... This is not a happy post. You want happy, scroll up or down.

So, I mentioned (very briefly) in my last post that you can love your family out of a sense of obligation, more than any actual tenderness. I realized tonight just how deeply I meant that.

A lot of girls, at some point, will come to serious disagreement with their mother. I've been living in a constant state of disagreement with her crazy ass for years, now. I was talking with my brother tonight, and the conversation turned to her. I moved out almost two years ago... Okay, I got kicked out almost two years ago. He still lives there. It's not a happy arrangement. It wasn't a happy arrangement when I still lived there. Or when my step-dad lived with us, before my mother forced him into a divorce.

My brothers and I have come to the conclusion that she is seriously abusive. And I don't mean that she hurts my feelings every now and then. I mean she has beaten all of us and uttered words that no normal mother would ever consider. For instance-
I've been disowned three times.
She's asked me how many other men were in the room when I had sex with my first boyfriend.
She's accused me of having forgotten about my birth father, since I still consort with my step-father.
She's threatened me with exorcism.
She's spanked me. Now, this may not be too unusual, unless you take into account that I was twenty at the time, and the offense I committed was telling her to "get the fuck out of my room" when she barged in on me changing.
She's grabbed me by the hair and pulled me into a closed-fisted punch.
She's pinned me down on the floor and slapped me back and forth across the face.

Here's what she's done to Liam-
She's punched him in the torso and head.
She's KICKED him.
She's told him that he's going to fail in school, in the Navy, and in life.

These are just the ones he's told me about.

As you can probably tell, this has been going on for years. All of us have, at one point or another, been her physical and/or emotional punching bag. Liam, the youngest, is turning eighteen and graduating. Soon, all of us will have the option of cutting her out of our lives. And I'm really afraid that my brothers are going to do exactly that. Sean, the middle brother, will probably get sick of her trying to force religion on him soon. (He's becoming a stark and cynical atheist, in contrast to my mother's Irish Catholic.) As adults, we don't technically need our mother. So I'm worried that what's left of our family is going to fall apart soon. Something would have to change, and the change would have to be drastic, to stave that off.

The question of the day is- How do you convince somebody who doesn't want help, or maybe even doesn't know what they're doing wrong, to go to therapy?

I know what you're thinking. "How could she NOT know what she's doing? How could she not know that she's wrong?" Right? Eh... My mother wasn't born like this.

My father died of a brain tumor. He was a brilliant surgeon, and he and his wife had just bought a new house for their two children, plus the one in the oven. He was symptomatic for about two years before he finally collapsed at work. Those symptoms included verbal and physical abuse, severe mood swings, and general loss of lucidity, to name a few. He tried to kill my mother more than once. Once they finally realized what was happening, all the other doctors at the hospital started giving her pity handouts. She was in no position to refuse- not with three children. So she swallowed her pride and took what she could until it was finally over.

My mom's been through some bad stuff. I think it's knocked loose a screw or two. The way I see it, she's become a control freak, desperate to keep her world from going to pieces like that ever again. I just don't know how to tell her that it's going to happen again if she doesn't let go!

I think I'm going to ask a doctor. The way things are, just talking to her makes me love her less. I don't want to sever our connection. I don't want the only feelings I have left for her to be obligation or duty. But we are going to need some serious therapy for that to happen. If I have to tranquilize her and drag her to the shrink, so help me, we are going to try to fix this. Maybe we'll make enough progress for her to attend my brother's graduation.

*sigh* I just needed to get that off my chest. Now, for something completely different!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-GbagLB4To

Love

I have mused on the nature of love, today.

It started when teh Doktor and I were at a flea market, looking for bookshelves. (You can never have too many bookshelves!) I started thinking.
"Every item I'm looking at was, at one point, loved. By the person who bought it or received it as a gift, the person who got it to make their friend happy, or maybe by the person who made it. Now that they've sold it, do they still love it? Did they want to part with it? If they didn't, do they want it back? Do they feel guilty? Will anybody else ever love it?"

Being mushy and happily attached at this point in my life, I tend to think of love as long-lasting, even permanent. Maybe there are other kinds of love, though. Perhaps they weaken and die faster than what I'm thinking of.
After all, you can love objects, you can love your partner, and you can love people other than your partner, but you probably don't treat them all the same way. You can love people that you absolutely can't stand. (Translation- family.) You can love people out of a sense of obligation more than a feeling of tenderness. (Family again!)

Maybe love, like everything else in life, cannot be completely understood. It's so difficult to ponder the natures of things like peace and happiness, perhaps love should belong in that same category. All the things that are pretty much impossible to get are all in one pile, that way. Meh. That's where I'm going to put it, anyway.

So, now that my brain hurts what are some things that I love?
Herr Doktor
sushi
my family (For many different reasons.)
writing
the game of Go
anime and manga
video games
music
dance
warm, soft blankets
candy
hula hooping
laughing
feeling all safe and happy
baths
bubbles
bubble baths
purdy flowers
snazzy clothes
looking pretty
*cough* certain... adult activities
hearing "I love you."
saying "I love you."
my locket
my ring
my father

'Kay, I'll stop now. See my point, though? So many different kinds of things, and a different reason for loving all of them. Even a different kind of love, in some cases. How strange that we use the same word for all of it, ne?

6 days until March 5th! Craps! What will I wear?

The Anceint and Delicate Art of Wasting Time

As you can see, I'm putting off emailing my professor, because Chinese hurts my brain.

( ) Smoked a cigarette.
(x) Drank so much you threw up
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) Been arrested
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Sang karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins.
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue and made snow angels too
( ) Danced in the rain
( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach?
(x) Crashed a party
( ) Gone ice-skating
( ) Been skinny dipping

1. Any nicknames? Ducky, Kitty, Bunny (Note that, when thrown in a room, they'd probably all try to kill one another!)
2. Mother's name? Gertrude (She hates it. XD )
3. Favorite drink? Orange soda. (Sooo unhealthy.)
5. Body piercing? Ear lobes. Nothing fancy yet. I'm considering a belly piercing, though.
6. How much do you love your job? I hate it with the burning, flaming passion of a thousand suns. I work for Wal-Mart, for crying out loud!
7. Birthplace? Elizabeth, New Jersey
8. Favorite vacation spot? Vacation? What's that?
9. Ever been to Africa? That would require a smallpox vaccination, and I HATE NEEDLES.
10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? Duh.
11. Ever been on TV? Once. I didn't know until my mom saw me on the news afterward. ^^;
12. Ever steal any traffic signs? The proper term is "requisition." And I was only an accomplice.
13. Ever been in a car accident? Fender-benders and love taps. Nothing scary yet.
14. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? My four door, gold Focus. I call her "Hand Basket." Get it?
15. Favorite salad dressing? Ranch. (So unhealthy!)
16. Favorite pie? Three-way tie between peach, cherry, and apple.
17. Favorite number? Four is a good number for Scorpio.
18. Favorite movie? I couldn't pick to save my life.
19. Favorite holiday? Halloween. It's been hijacked by popular culture, but at least there aren't many religious overtones.
20. Favorite dessert? Don't make me choose!
21. Favorite food? Sushi. Hands down.
22. Favorite day of the week? Any day I don't have to get stuff done?
23. Favorite brand of body wash? B&BW Japanese Cherry Blossom.
24. Favorite smell? Cannot choose.
26. What do you do to relax? I turn on a video game and pwnz things. Nothing like destruction to channel negative energy!
27. Do you have a message to your friends reading this? Umm... Does anybody know where 25 went?
28. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I can't see stuff that's, like, 3 feet away. Don't be so demanding. =p
29. Furthest Place you will send this message? It's the bloody internet!
30. Who will respond to this the fastest? Ummm...?
31. Who is the least likely to respond? Double Ummm...?

The Pointe

So, anybody who's ever been exposed to my forum posts might have noticed that I was bitten by the ballet bug (again) a little over a week ago. This happens periodically, because I've always loved ballet, and I've been wishing that I never quit for years. Alas, I fear I'll never be able to do 32 fouettés en tournant, but I still get that magical feeling of awesome every time I watch somebody else do it. So, I'm starting a wish list. This is my first item.

Gillian Murphy is graceful, precise, and a technical genius. She's actually altered the fouettés en tournant so that she doesn't kick her leg around every time. She'll spin three or four times like that. And I lurve her interpretation of Odile- cold, ruthless, and more than a little sexy.
Seriously, folks, does it get any better than black and evil swan maidens? I don't think so.

The other item on my wish list is not really for me. My beloved Doktor loves Samurai Jack, so I happened to be browsing walmart.com and found this second item. Seasons 1-3 in one shiny box set! For only fifty dollars and some small portion of my soul! You have to admit, Wal-Mart has some good deals. I wanted to get this for Christmas, but... Eh. The spirit was willing, the wallet was weak. Three months later, I'm determined to get teh Doktor a good present if it kills me! It is our six-month anniversary soon, so I must be vigilant! I must give awesome gifts! I must make him cupcakes! After all, what boyfriend does not appreciate baked sweet stuffs in tandem with shiny DVDs?

If anybody else has gift suggestions for teh Doktor, feel free to share! I plan to spoil him!

9 days 'till our six-month anniversary! My countdown to March 5th begins!

Madlibs!

Mayren linked this site in her blog, and I just had to try it. I was not disappointed. THIS IS THE LAST POST FOR TODAY, I SWEAR! I'm turning on my PS2 as we speak!

My Love

Your skin glows like the pomegranate, blossoms slimy as the lily in the purest hope of spring.
My heart follows your flute voice and leaps like a wombat at the whisper of your name.
The evening floats in on a great toucan wing.
I am comforted by your thong that I carry into the twilight of diminutivebeams and hold next to my left nostril.
I am filled with hope that I may dry your tears of bleach.
As my right nostril falls from my banana hammock, it reminds me of your Rubik's cube.
In the quiet, I listen for the last squee of the day.
My heated little toe leaps to my straightjacket. I wait in the moonlight for your secret X-Box controller so that we may gallop as one, little toe to little toe, in search of the magnificient puce and mystical chopstick of love.

3/4 Time

So, Tchaikovsky writes really, REALLY good "Let's be productive!" music. Wanna know what I think? It's all the waltzes. Waltz of the Snowflakes, Waltz of the Flowers, etc. The lively 3/4 time signature just makes me want to dance through the house, waving my sequined wand and watching the animals tidy up. Okay. I exaggerate a little bit. It's really good for getting up and moving, though! Anyone who's not sick to death of the Nutcracker would do well to take note. If you hate the Nutcracker, pick up Swan Lake. If you hate Swan Lake, FUCK YOU! Seriously, grab your shit and leave my blog. Swan Lake is my favorite ballet, fairy tale, and classical music score. You can take your total lack of taste somewhere else...

Maybe that was a little harsh. But, hey, I'm a music snob! I was a music ed major before I got sick of theory, and I've played flute and sung in audition choirs since the age of eleven. Mind you, I don't study music as heavily any more, but I was once VERY good. I know what I'm talking about, yo. I plan to pick those back up when I get the time and patience (music is hard work!), but until then I'll be content with lording over all you musical n00bs.

All hail Tchaikovsky!

Dishes, HERE I COME!

ZOMG FIRSTIES!

So, I probably owe you all an explanation as to how this started. It's all Mayren's fault.

I met Mayren through the forums on one of my favorite webcomics. The shameless link plug is here-
http://blackvatican.com
Mayren and I seem to share an awful lot of interests- anime, addicting games, wreaking havoc, and so on. I also love her sense of humor. She is HI-larious. She's also very sweet. I won't lie- it really goes to my head when she says things like "Bunny should write for you guys. She's funny." Or "I wish I could meet you in person, Bunny! We'd be bestest friends." I agree.

Mayren also wrote about me in her blog. She wished that she knew where my blog was, so that we could "see" more of each other, as it were. So I got this wacky idea to actually start a blog. Crazy, no? I felt horrible, not having something I could share with her, when she was sharing with me. Add to that the fact that almost everybody I know has one, and "all the cool kids are doing it." So, here we are. This is your fault, Mayren. I love you for it. At that point which we should meet, I will heap much chocolate and glompage upon your person. Doesn't that sound like fun?