On the Plague and Boy Sopranos

WARNING: This turned into a rant before I was done with it. Avert your eyes, ye country music fans.

Six month celebration was rather perfect. Herr Doktor and I sat at home and ate sushi, cuddled, misbehaved, and generally goofed off. 'Course, all that day I did have that scratchy scratchy in the back of my throat which I generally interpret as my body saying "Oh crap, brace yourself!" So when I woke up the next morning I was sweating, shivering, unable to swallow, and kind of freaking miserable. I called in to work.
Today, I'm still a little shivery, a little sweaty, and plenty miserable. I called in to work a second time. This has gotten me thinking-

The hold music at Wal-Mart really sucks. I mean really, REALLY sucks.

First, I was listening to kind of a soul-y groove. It was about five minutes long, and its lyrics, as far as I could make myself listen, consisted of, "Mama, I love you!" The lead vocalist, a decent soprano, was basically repeating that one phrase over and over and over and over with a variation on notes or rhythm here and there. Not pleasant to listen to.

Next, it was a country song. I thank the God and Goddess profusely for only making me listen to about two minutes. There was something about-
"Two young lovers... yadda yadda... river of desire... blah blah... man with a Bible... squishy squishy... Young love... et freaking cetera." If I can't remember lyrics that I heard five minutes ago, they must have really sucked. (Either that, or I'm pretty sick. Could be both.)

I don't necessarily have anything against soul as a genre of music. People can listen to it all they want, as long as I don't have to. Country is another story. I know I'm going to offend somebody when I say this...

I abhor the entire "country" lifestyle. I have nothing against the people, mind you. It's the rodeos, the dirty pickups, the American (or Confederate) flags, the buckle bunnies*, and the country "music" that makes me grind my teeth.

First of all, I feel that the "country" attitude comes off as arrogance. They're proud that they didn't go to college, that they voted Republican, that they believe in God, and that they chew tobacco. (You already know my thoughts on THAT.) So, basically, this attitude perpetuates a lack of education, narrow mindedness, infringing upon the rights of others, and horrific tooth decay. Not to mention the fact that rodeos are brutal animal abuse for the sake of entertainment. Great job, guys! Yup, I'm impressed.

Not everybody holds true to this stereotype, mind you, but keep in mind that I've lived in WYOMING almost my entire life, and I've met an OBSCENE amount of people who probably contributed to the forming of said stereotype.

Now let's get into the "music." From a theory point of view, yes, it counts as music. (Rap does NOT, but that's another can of beans.) Music consists of a melody, a harmony, and a rhythm. The definition doesn't explicitly state that it has to be creative, so country does classify as a form of music. But it's sooo bad.

1. There are three or four different drumbeats that form the background of EVERY country song ever written.
2. There are three or four chords that every country song is written around. Alright, maybe more than three or four. But, from a musical point of view, they are all written in similar keys, and the chords are structured in a similar manner. The result? THEY ALL SOUND EXACTLY THE SAME.
3. Those chords don't change. The keys will rarely change. Plenty of composers can go through more than one key change in the space of four minutes. I've heard heavy metal with more than one key change in four minutes. Why can't country composers do the same? Are they lazy? The music doesn't move or grow because it stays in one bloody key the entire time.
4. They don't pass the melody around.
5. They don't have more than three instruments to pass the melody TO.
6. The chords never use dissonance. Dissonance is fun! Dissonance is interesting! Dissonance causes tension, which helps build the song to a climax!
5. They use one, maybe two, types of cadences (endings). There are at least FIVE types of cadences.
7. The vocalists use horrible technique. Anyone who's actually been in a choir will tell you that conductors HATE bright vowels. The really strong "aaayyyeee" "eee" "iyeee" sounds not only sound worse, but they can actually MAKE YOU FLAT. They will drag you off pitch, and suddenly all the music that's built around the chord you're ruining starts to sound like crap. And almost all country singers sing through their nose. This is only appealing to somebody with an anteater fetish.
8. The lyrics are horrifically uninspired. I think I could defecate more creativity. Let's compare a country song, "Who's your daddy?" to Carmina Burana*.

Carmina Burana features a segment, sung by a tenor, if I remember rightly, that is sung from the point of view of a swan. The swan is lamenting the fact that it has been shot, and its flesh has been roasted until black. Then the mens' choir joins in, rejoicing in the meal to come. Beautiful music, even if the lyrics are a little on the CREEPY side.
"Who's your Daddy?" is a guy on a testosterone trip. He's (from what he tells us) good looking, and, apparently, there's at least one girl who can't get enough of him. They're going to have sex. Hooray. These lyrics are a little on the misogynistic side.

There you have it. Eight reasons, from a girl who's studied music education, why country music SUCKS.

So, here I am, cranky, and feverish. I'm also listening to classical music. The Flower Duet, from Puccini's Madama Butterfly, to be exact. And I'm desperately hoping that spring comes, soon. An end to cold season, some green things outside, warmth, and sunshine. Who knows? Maybe all that growth will prompt a cultural revolution that involves intelligence, class, and musical complexity. >.<

I'm sorry this was so off track. I just got all wrapped up in how much I HATE bad music.

* "Buckle Bunny" is a slightly derogatory slang term that describes, basically, female rodeo groupies. They don't participate in the rodeo, they just go to oogle and perhaps hook up with any impressive male specimens they may see. Go to a rodeo, and they're the ones wearing thongs and lots of make-up.
* Carmina Burana is a famous piece of classical music, also entitled "The Sacred and the Profane." It's arranged for timpani (kettledrums, to you music n00bz) and piano, OR for full orchestra and full choir, with descants by a soprano, a tenor, and a boy soprano. See the full orchestra version if you want an amazing experience.